Friday, May 25, 2012

You cant just blog the good

I didn't know how to title this post and it has taken me so long to write it
It has taken me almost six months to even process the pain of losing a friendship that meant so much to me 
I struggled with the idea of sharing such a personal story but my blog is my life and I don't want to only share the good
We all have days of rain along with the days of sunshine!

I have always strived to be a good friend and be available for my friends when they need me. I have never been perfect and I am sure I owe an apology for times when l have let them down

I realized when I had my surgery that  I have such sweet friends and family ! They called , dropped by with meals,or to vacuum, or just sent a text asking how I was. And all those outstretched arms meant the world to me! They were my lifeline and I said before I don't know how I would have gone through without their love and encouragement.
But  I never heard from my best friend
I got more texts from the guys at my work than I did my very best friend?  After a couple months she finally text me and said she had been busy and wanted me to call her

I couldn't....

I text her and told her I was just too hurt to reach out. She text me back "why"

She finally called and we hashed it out and I tried to explain my hurt reminding her when she had her surgery how I drove up to take her to lunch and called her almost every day to see how she was doing She apologized and said she had just been so busy...
I get that
I do
But inside I kept thinking If you are too busy for your friends
You are too busy
She has often gone underground and we have gone months without talking because her life gets so "crazy" and I always say its OK and we go on from there....

But this time it wasn't OK

When I needed that friendship more than any time in my life,  I had to figure out why I didn't have it. Where was my friend? Why didn't she even once call?   

I decided to have my heart break once by walking away then to stay and have it broken over and over again. I simply cant keep going back ! The last time we spoke she wanted my help with a project and she was going to call me with the decided time. I was going to put it all aside and start fresh again....She never called 
That was January...
This is May
She doesn't know about Beckham...She doesn't know about Steve's new job...
She doesn't know that I have cried  with missing her so much that I thought my heart would break

But I am getting better. I am learning to live without her as hard as it has been

But there are still days when I miss having a best friend!

I had a old mitt that was all broken in and wrinkly and was a part of my life for so long that it felt like part of my hand. It was always able to catch the balls of life. To think about breaking in a new mitt feels like too much work and it just wont ever be as comfortable. But I gotta do it because the game isn't over and there is much more life to play...
I have got to figure it out and I pray I will
There are no hard feelings, no un-forgiveness and I wish her and her sweet family all the best

And to you my friends who read my blog , If I ever make you feel like I am too busy to be the friend you need, please let me know
If you need a ride, a chat, a lunch out to share your heart
Please call me ....I am here for you
I will drop everything to be there
That's what friends are for



Cougarnana said...

This post made me sad. My heart ached as I read it, I guess because I have experienced those same emotions...not with my "best" friend but with a good friend. The circumstances are a little different but the feelings are the same. I, too, have had to just set it aside and go on with my life, wondering what in the world happened there? There are no grudges, no un-forgiveness, just sadness at the loss of a friend.

Fortunately you have many "other" friends who are all jockeying for the position of "best" friend. Take your pick...or better yet, pick them all. I know they all love you. Thanks for sharing, it caused me to count my blessings of which you are ONE.

ashlyn said...

you are loved by SO many people and probably the "best friend" to 50 others! I thank you for not only being an amazing mother in law, but one of my dearest friends. i love you and everyone else adores you to the moon and back. xo